"In the infinity of life where I am,
all is perfect, whole and complete.
I am always Divinely protected and guided.
It is safe for me to look within myself.
It is safe for me to look into the past.
It is safe for me to enlarge my viewpoint of life.
I am far more than my personality - past, present, or future.
I now choose to rise above my personality problems
to recognize the magnificence of my being.
I am totally willing to learn to love myself.
All is well in my world.
- Louise Hay
Brace yourself: what I'm about to say is going to sound completely crazy. But here it goes. I have come to the conclusion that I actually like myself much better with Lyme Disease than without Lyme Disease. Maybe that statement is slightly misleading so I will explain.
Although I wasn't acutely aware of it, all was not well in my world before I got sick. I had convinced myself that everything was fabulous. On the outside, I probably appeared to have life all figured out. Devoted mother to three beautiful children, great marriage, lots of good friends - the "perfect" life, everything I had ever wanted or hope for had come true.
But deep down, I was plagued with feelings of guilt, insecurity, self-doubt, need for perfectionism, and an overall feeling of inadequacy in most aspects of my life. I was weighed down by stressing out about stuff that I had absolutely no control over, like the thoughts and actions of others. I chastised myself for not being the perfect mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, cook (who prepared perfectly balanced organic meals three time a day), dinner party host, home decorator, the fact that I didn't grow vegetables and compost in my backyard- you name it, I felt guilty about it. I put a crazy amount of pressure on myself to be perfect. The fact that I am a human being, naturally imperfect by design, made this an impossible and unachievable goal. As a result, I didn't enjoy my life as much as I should have - and I couldn't put my finger why or how to fix it.
I have since learned what a complete and utter waste of time that was. I cared so much more about how the outside world viewed me than how I felt about myself. I worried constantly about being judged by others and what others thought of me - and not so much about what I thought of myself. I let other people's expectations of me rule my life.
I have since learned what a complete and utter waste of time that was. I cared so much more about how the outside world viewed me than how I felt about myself. I worried constantly about being judged by others and what others thought of me - and not so much about what I thought of myself. I let other people's expectations of me rule my life.
Then Lyme Disease moved into my body and took over my life. All of my preconceived notions of what I "should" do went flying out the window and my world became very, very small. I could handle only the simplest of tasks - a major daily accomplishment would be mustering the energy to get up to take a shower. I had no energy for anything else. I had no idea at the time, but this became my biggest blessing.
Lyme Disease forced me to look internally and rely on only myself to survive the torture chamber my body had become. Chronic illness is fraught with both emotional and physical challenges on a daily basis. You spend many, many hours alone and you are forced to really look at yourself on a soul level. Because I truly felt like I was dying, I thought about death all the time. I thought about who I was and the person I wanted to be, the person I was meant to be. I decided to start living my life with intention. Because I was pretty much bedridden, I started with the thoughts in my head. I recognized that what you think becomes reality - so if I ever wanted to get healthy again, those thoughts needed to be overhauled. At some point along the way, what I saw inside myself became less and less difficult to face...because I realized that what I saw was not so bad. The person I had always been was actually pretty amazing - I just never knew it.
Lyme Disease has shown me that I am stronger, braver and more compassionate than I ever could have imagined in my wildest dreams. I realized that I have so much to offer the world, stuff that really matters. Once I gave up worrying about what other people think of me, it allowed me the time and space to think about how I can use my life to change someone else's. I had no idea that something so simple could be the key to all happiness.
I was talking on the phone with my sister the other day (who is 6 months pregnant with twin boys - so exciting!) and I was trying to explain this transformation to her. I told her that I had never felt more confident, optimistic, independent and brave, that I feel so much stronger and wiser and full of potential for the future than I ever have in my entire life. I feel like I have so much more to offer my children now and that showing them that I truly love myself will teach them how to love themselves. What a concept!
Once we truly obtain self-love, the rest just falls into place. We become better in all aspects of life - better parents, better partners, better siblings, better family members, better friends, better members of society and better human beings. We stop focusing on things we can't control, like what others think of us, and instead put our attention and energy into living life with the intention of affecting the lives of others in a positive way. If I can leave this earth with the world just a little bit better than when I got here, I will be so happy. It's so simple - but I truly believe it is the key to finding and sustaining joy in our lives.
I don't live in fear anymore - fear is the opposite of joy. Fear holds us back from experiencing the most glorious things life has to offer. But in order to overcome fear, I now know that I must not avoid fear. I must walk directly into it, sit with it for while and walk through the fear to the other side. Lyme has taught me that I can handle anything, even really hard things - because I have. For the first time in my life, I really believe in myself and I am proud to be me. All is well in my world.
Lyme Disease forced me to look internally and rely on only myself to survive the torture chamber my body had become. Chronic illness is fraught with both emotional and physical challenges on a daily basis. You spend many, many hours alone and you are forced to really look at yourself on a soul level. Because I truly felt like I was dying, I thought about death all the time. I thought about who I was and the person I wanted to be, the person I was meant to be. I decided to start living my life with intention. Because I was pretty much bedridden, I started with the thoughts in my head. I recognized that what you think becomes reality - so if I ever wanted to get healthy again, those thoughts needed to be overhauled. At some point along the way, what I saw inside myself became less and less difficult to face...because I realized that what I saw was not so bad. The person I had always been was actually pretty amazing - I just never knew it.
Lyme Disease has shown me that I am stronger, braver and more compassionate than I ever could have imagined in my wildest dreams. I realized that I have so much to offer the world, stuff that really matters. Once I gave up worrying about what other people think of me, it allowed me the time and space to think about how I can use my life to change someone else's. I had no idea that something so simple could be the key to all happiness.
I was talking on the phone with my sister the other day (who is 6 months pregnant with twin boys - so exciting!) and I was trying to explain this transformation to her. I told her that I had never felt more confident, optimistic, independent and brave, that I feel so much stronger and wiser and full of potential for the future than I ever have in my entire life. I feel like I have so much more to offer my children now and that showing them that I truly love myself will teach them how to love themselves. What a concept!
Once we truly obtain self-love, the rest just falls into place. We become better in all aspects of life - better parents, better partners, better siblings, better family members, better friends, better members of society and better human beings. We stop focusing on things we can't control, like what others think of us, and instead put our attention and energy into living life with the intention of affecting the lives of others in a positive way. If I can leave this earth with the world just a little bit better than when I got here, I will be so happy. It's so simple - but I truly believe it is the key to finding and sustaining joy in our lives.
I don't live in fear anymore - fear is the opposite of joy. Fear holds us back from experiencing the most glorious things life has to offer. But in order to overcome fear, I now know that I must not avoid fear. I must walk directly into it, sit with it for while and walk through the fear to the other side. Lyme has taught me that I can handle anything, even really hard things - because I have. For the first time in my life, I really believe in myself and I am proud to be me. All is well in my world.
No comments:
Post a Comment