The Illusion of Obligation: Saying Goodbye to "Should's" and "Have To's"

"The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation
 to dinner without giving an excuse."

                                                                           - Jules Renard, The Journal of Jules Renard

When your world unexpectedly falls apart, it's an opportunity to put your life back together, piece by piece, deliberately and with intention, discarding the things that no longer fit (or never actually did).  But this time the materials with which the foundation of your life is built are hand-selected by you and only you - and therefore indestructible.  There is nothing in your life, including people, who are there because they 'should be' or 'have to be', or because you feel like you have no choice but to include them.  In your newly constructed existence, there is no such thing as an obligatory action or person.  

To me, this is true freedom and in being free, the potential for happiness is exponential and limitless.  Ultimately, the human spirit longs for that freedom...and although we don't always realize it, the powerful influences of society and the people around us, although well-intended most of the time, are in direct opposition to the fulfillment of this longing for freedom virtually from the moment we are born.  

It's difficult at first to accept that we do have a choice, that we do in fact have total control over our own destiny.  We resist by saying, "But I have to do this" and "I am obligated to do that" - but I would argue that this is just an illusion that we are gradually taught to buy into from our first days on earth.  By the time we become adults this illusion of obligation has become our perceived reality and we fully believe it to be true.

When you experience a catastrophic event and the world as you know it crumbles around you, you are often the recipient of some pretty earth-shattering insights.  The most significant for me was that I was putting an insane amount of pressure on myself to do things I didn't really want to do but felt I had no choice but to do them.  I was allowing friends to choose me, instead of the other way around, and I felt unable to say no, to set boundaries and to be honest about my needs.  I craved acceptance and would sacrifice my own well being in order to avoid judgement or criticism from the people around me.

Basically, I had a set of long-established beliefs about myself, about others and about life itself that I was one-hundred percent committed to and never thought to question.  I was shocked to find out that most of the beliefs that had been guiding me for 43 years were basically incorrect, based upon the false premises, assumptions and opinions of others.

Even though living with Lyme, or chronic illness of any kind, can often make you feel like a prisoner in your own body, ironically I have never felt more free.  As I have slowly put my life back together, piece by piece, I realize how much of  it was being lived according to other people's ideas and opinions about what I should do or what I had to do and how many decisions or choices were made based upon guilt and/or perceived false beliefs.  

The problem with that approach is multi-dimensional.  First, if you feel forced to do something, whether it be a family obligation or having lunch with someone you don't enjoy, your lack of authenticity will always shine through...and everyone loses.  When you are being genuine, people feel it and respond with appreciation and warmth.  But when there is no feeling behind your gesture, they feel that too and respond accordingly - and you end up feeling unappreciated, drained and annoyed.  Lose-lose.  

No more.  Now I give myself permission to do only the things I want to do, things that I feel inclined to do on a gut level.  If it doesn't feel right, if my ego is involved in any way, I don't do it.  Period.  And let me tell you, it's a HUGE relief.

When you live your life from a place of love and compassion, doing what you truly want to do and being honest about the things you don't want to do while setting appropriate boundaries with others, your life improves exponentially.  It's a win-win.  I highly recommend it, not only for your emotional well-being but for your physical health as well.  The mind-body connection cannot be ignored - it's so powerful!

Stuck in the Middle

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiently;...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."

                                                    - Theodore Roosevelt, from his 1910 Man in the Arena speech


"I want to be in the arena.  I want to be brave with my life.  And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked.  We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can't have both.  Not at the same time." 

"Once we fall in the service of being brave, we can never go back.  We can rise up from our failures, screwups, and falls, but we can never go back to where we stood before we were brave or before we fell.  Courage transforms the emotional structure of our being.  This change often brings a deep sense of loss.  During the process of rising, we sometimes find ourselves homesick for a place that no longer exists.  We want to go back to that moment before we walked into the arena, but there's nowhere to go back to.  What makes this more difficult is that now we have a new level of awareness about what it means to be brave.  We can't fake it anymore.  We now know when we're showing up and when we're hiding out, when we are living our values and when we are not.  Our new awareness can also be invigorating - it can reignite our sense of purpose and remind us of our commitment to wholeheartedness.  Straddling the tension that lies between wanting to go back to the moment before we risked and fell and being pulled forward to even greater courage is an inescapable part of rising strong."

                                                        - Brene Brown, Ph.D, LMSW, "Rising Strong"

When I first found out I had Lyme Disease and began learning about the controversy surrounding it, including the lack of acknowledgement by the medical community and lack of coverage by insurance companies, I was floored - and so incredibly confused.  I remember talking to an acquaintance who had been struggling with Lyme for years and saying to her, "But wait - this can't be true...how can this be?  Why aren't people screaming?  Why are people putting up with this?  Why, why, why????".  I remember she just looked at me and said, "It's just he way it is and there's nothing to be done about it.  Who wants to sign up to be the poster child for Lyme Disease?  Not me."  

In that pivotal moment, completely contrary to a reaction even remotely matching my normally private and non-confrontational self, I decided that in order to help others navigate this hell, I would do everything in my power, including the job as poster child, if necessary.  Come hell or high water, I would create enough noise and commotion that Chronic Lyme & Co. could no longer be ignored.  Have I lived to regret that decision?  Hell yes!  I'd be lying if I said no.  But ultimately I know I can never go back.  Too many people are suffering, too many lives are at stake.

But I'm not going to lie -  it's a struggle.  Some days I just don't feel like putting a smile on my face and being brave.  Some days I long desperately for my old life, the life before Lyme where I could hide behind my armor of ideal mom, cute outfits, tidy house and perfectly organized linen closet.  Showing this much vulnerability is brutally uncomfortable.  Some days I just want to blend in and fit in like I used to in the old days, the days before Lyme took over my life, both physically and emotionally.  

You see, I'm stuck in the middle at this point.  The shininess of my newly gained enlightenment has worn off and I'm still struggling.  Have I made progress?  Yes.  But my transformation into a beautiful butterfly still feels like it's a long way off.  I had no idea of the tenacity and cunning of the beast I was up against when I began this fight.  And perhaps that was for the best because I may have just admitted defeat from the get go. 

I've always been a people pleaser, never one to stand out from the crowd or intentionally ruffle feathers.  The polarizing nature of Lyme, coupled with most people's low tolerance for talk about illness or pain or struggle, makes for a recipe for quite the opposite of pleasing anyone.  I've found that most people will tolerate it for a while but tire of it pretty quickly.  They want to hear about your happy ending, yes, but until that happens they'd rather you just keep it to yourself.  

And I can't say that I blame them - I would probably have the same reaction in their shoes.  But even though I still fall down, get frustrated, impatient and want to give up....I know I never will.  I will keep finding the courage to stay in the arena.  I will keep being brave.  And someday soon I will rise strong.  

Be the One

"You have enemies? Good. 

That means you've stood up for something in your life."

                                       
                                                                         - Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Be the One

Be the one to show compassion.
Be the one to show kindness.
Be the one to speak up for what you believe in.
Be the one to defend what is right.
Be the one to stand up and scream in the face of injustice.
Be the one to right a wrong.
Be the one to offer assistance to others
Be the one to apologize first.
Be the one to smile at a stranger.
Be the one to bring understanding and love into every situation.
Be the one to show up to your life in the most authentic way possible.

If not you, than who?

Just be the ONE, no matter what everyone else is doing.

Because in the end, the only thing you will regret is NOT being the one.

How Do You Want To Be Remembered?

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, 

people will forget what you did, 

but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

                                           - Maya Angelou 

I love words.  The above quote by Maya Angelou may be one of my favorites of all time.  Words have so much power.  They urge us to open our minds to new ideas, new perspectives and allow us to think differently and in turn, our lives improve.  Just changing the way you think about something has potential to change your life in a profound way and trigger new opportunities for expansion, growth and healing.

I have learned that your life is not defined by your achievements, successes, wealth, reputation or even how clean your house is...it's defined by the number of souls you touch and connect with, the amount of lives, both people and animals, that are made better for having crossed your path.  

How many people would say that they are better off for having known you?  What will people say about you after you are gone?  How will they remember you?  Picture yourself at your own funeral or memorial service and ask yourself what do you want people to say about you?  How do you want your loved ones to describe how you lived your life?  What do you want your family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers to say about the kind of person you were?

Think about it, decide what you want your legacy to look and feel like and live from that place now.  Because life gives no guarantees and waiting for one more second to live the way you want to be remembered may be one second too late.

"A Mind of Your Own" by Dr. Kelly Brogan, MD

When in doubt, look UP!

It's hard to believe that at this time last year I was deep in the throes of a medical crisis so severe, so terrifying that I feared I would not come out of it alive.  I have never felt so alone, so hopeless and if continuing to share my personal journey saves just one person from that hell, than it will be well worth it to me.  

Over the course of many months, I was misdiagnosed multiple times by several different doctors and specialists.  Every single doctor I saw gave me yet another prescription.  One diagnosis was particularly disturbing and made by several of the physicians with whom I consulted...I was told that I had a form of delusional schizophrenia called "Delusion of Parasitosis" or DOP.  And each time this diagnosis of DOP was unceremoniously delivered, after less than 10 minutes of speaking with me and little or no physical exam, I was given one thing: a prescription for an extremely powerful anti-psychotic medication called Zyprexa.  

The scary thing is that only one of those doctors was actually a psychiatrist - and he was also the first doctor who told me that he believed I was actually suffering from Chronic Lyme, not DOP. Later, I came to find out how many Lyme patients have the exact same experience of being wrongfully diagnosed,  not just with DOP, but many other forms of mental illness as well and prescribed all sorts of dangerous, mind-altering, psychoactive drugs. Thankfully, even in my weakened and confused state, I just knew that psychiatric meds were the absolute last thing I needed and I refused to take them. I don't even like to think about what would have happened to me if I had followed the advice of those doctors. 

All of these months later, I am on the path to complete healing and all without the use of anything pharmaceutical, chemical, or toxic in any way. On the contrary, one of the key components to restoring my health has been to completely detoxify and restore balance to every system in my body holistically and naturally.  This has led me to rethink everything I have ever been taught to believe about Western medicine.

Today I started reading a book that, in the very first chapter, echoed many of the thoughts and suspicions that have been swirling around in my mind for months...I can already tell that this book is going to change my life in a very profound way. 

The book is called "A Mind of Your Own", written by Dr. Kelly Brogan, M.D. Dr. Brogan studied cognitive neuroscience at MIT before receiving her MD from Weill Cornell Medical College. Board certified in psychiatry, psychosomatic medicine, and integrative holistic medicine, she is one of the only doctors in the nation with these qualifications. 

Needless to say, Dr. Brogan is no quack and has credentials up the wazoo.  But even more impressive to me is her courage to speak the truth and stand up to some very powerful and often intimidating entities, i.e. the AMA, CDC, Big Pharma, and mainstream medical organizations just to name a few.  By writing this book, Dr. Brogan is essentially putting her professional reputation, career and personal well-being at risk, all for the sake of helping others. I haven't even made it to Chapter Two and already this woman is my hero!  

An excerpt from the first chapter...

"...let me be the first to tell you that the only path to a real solution is to leave the medical world you know behind. This, the journey I will take you on, is not just about symptom suppression, it's about health freedom. First let me tell you that I was once a typical doctor, not to mention a typical American who loved pizza, soda, birth control, and ibuprofen. My message is from a personal journey and thousands of hours of research that has compelled me to share the truth about prescription-based care: we've been duped.

Yes, my entire training was based on the model of disease care that offers patients only one tool - a drug - and never a shot at true wellness. We've handed over our health to those who seek to profit from it, and we've been buying into a paradigm based on the following notions:

• We are broken.
• Fear is an appropriate response to symptoms.
• We need chemicals to feel better.
• Doctors know what they are doing.
• The body is a machine requiring calibration (via drugs). A little too much of this, too little of that.

I call this collective set of notions the Western Medical Illusion. It sets up a vicious system the ushers you into lifelong customer status, dependent and disempowered.
As you can likely guessed by now, I love to rant. But I do so with the best evidence science could offer, and there's a lot we know today about the real root cause of depression - and how to treat the condition safely and successfully - without a prescription pad. If there's one lesson I will drive home, it's this: shed the fear, take back your inner compass, and embrace a commitment to your best self medication free. Even if you don't already take a prescription drug, I bet you still doubt living the rest of your life prescription free and reliant on your own inner intuition to know what's best for you. The idea of supporting your body's innate wisdom may sound quaint at best, or like dangerous hippie woo-woo at worst. From now on, I want you to embrace these new ideas:

• Prevention is possible.
• Medication treatment comes at a steep cost.
• Optimal health is not possible through medication.
• Your health is under your control.
• Working with lifestyle medicine- simple everyday habits that don't entail drugs - is a safe and effective way to send the body a signal of safety.

How can I make these statements, and what do I mean by lifestyle medicine? You're going to find out in this book, and I'll be presenting the scientific proof to answer questions you may have and to satisfy the doubtful. When I meet a woman and her family, I speak about how to reverse her anxiety, depression, mania, and even psychosis. We map out the timeline that brought her where she is and identify triggers that often fall under one or more of the following categories: food intolerances or sensitivities, blood sugar imbalances, chemical exposures, thyroid dysfunction, and nutrient deficiency. I forge a partnership with my patient and witnessed dramatic symptom relief within 30 days. I do this by teaching my patients how they can make simple shifts in their daily habits, starting with the diet. They increase nutrient density, eliminate inflammatory foods, balance blood sugar, and bring themselves closer to food in its ancestral state. It's the most powerful way to move the needle, because food is not just fuel. It is information (literally: 'it puts the form into your body'), and its potential for healing is a wonder to me, every single day." 

And...

"Psychiatry remains the wastebasket for the shortcomings of conventional medicine in terms of diagnosing and treating.  If doctors can't explain your symptoms, or if the treatment doesn't fix the problem and further testing doesn't identify a concrete diagnosis, you'll probably be referred to a psychiatrist or, more likely, be handed a prescription for an antidepressant by your family doctor.  If you are very persistent that you still need real help, your doctor might throw an anti-psychotic at you as well." 

O.M.G!!!  That is exactly what happened to me and countless others!!!

Right on, Dr. Brogan! You are a shining example of what it means to take The Hippocratic Oath...what it means to be a physician who truly cares about the well being of her patients...what it means to be a human being who emulates compassion, morality and quality of character.  I applaud your efforts to educate and empower and commend you for your honesty and for your bravery in the face of some pretty serious and threatening adversaries.  And I haven't even made it to Chapter Two!!!

This book is going to open people's minds to the truth about conventional medicine and the influence of Big Pharma and in my opinion, has the potential to change the world.  At the very least, it will dramatically influence the lives of many and empower them to take their health into their own hands in order to feel better and start living life the way it was meant to be lived: drug-free and feeling good, without constant fear of impending doom.

My advice to you is this: 

Go get yourself a copy of Dr. Brogan's book and decide for yourself - it may just save your life!! 

Bring Love.

"I did then what I knew how to do.  Now that I know better, I do better."

                                                                                                - Maya Angelou

Bring love.  Bring only love.  Watch miracles unfold. 

In the presence of love, hatred cannot exist, just as darkness cannot exist in the presence of light.  Illuminate a dark room and the light takes over, as if the darkness never even existed.  

On the other hand, hatred in the presence of hatred grows exponentially.  The same is true for anger, judgement, resentment, criticism, jealousy and anything else that is not love.  

Responding to hatred with hatred only creates more hatred.  Responding to being hurt by inflicting pain only creates even more hurt, more pain.  Responding to being judged by criticizing results in much, much more of the same.  We must ask ourselves...is this really what we want?

By bringing love, compassion and understanding into every single situation, no matter how difficult, we can change the world.  

We've all heard the phrase "Love conquers all" a thousand times, to the point that we've become desensitized to what it really means.  In the past, when hearing those words or anything else conveying a similar message, I would think to myself, "Really nice sentiment and I wish it were that simple - but life is much more complicated" - or something along those lines.

But recently it has become glaringly obvious to me that the concept of love being the answer to absolutely everything is not only accurate, it's crucial for all of us to not only acknowledge and recognize this as truth, but to practice it in our own lives as much as we possibly can.

I believe that at the very core of every kind gesture, act of compassion and understanding, generous offering and even friendly smile toward a fellow human being  is love defined.  I also believe that love is synonymous with the miraculous, therefore in order for miracles to occur, love must be present.

For as long as I can remember, long before I had children of my own, I identified myself as a mother.  When I was a little girl, perhaps influenced by The Brady Bunch, I decided I would have six children.  I believe I even shared this with my future husband on our very first date.  Surprisingly enough, he didn't run for the nearest exit!

Soon after the arrival of our twin girls, I realized that perhaps three children was enough - but I knew that being a mother was what I was meant to do.  I loved every minute of it (well, maybe not every minute!)...motherhood simultaneously lived up to, exceeded and transcended every expectation I had ever had about it.  It was more wonderful, more difficult, more challenging, more heart-wrenching and more life-changing than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams.  To me, similar to experiencing the death of a close loved one, there are no words that could ever do justice to what it feels like to be a mother.

From the moment our son Jake was born on August 14, 2002, I have woken up each morning with one goal: to be the best mother I could possibly be.  That hasn't changed - but there is something that has changed drastically - the way in which I go about achieving that goal.

Life is about growth and with that growth comes expansion in every form: emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.  In my case, expansion brought with it many gifts, the most important of which, for me, is the wisdom and awareness to see with clarity, without any doubt, what is important in this life, not only as a mother, but as a human being.  For that, I am so very grateful.

As a mom, being chronically ill is a particularly devastating and stressful form of torture.  This is one of the reasons I find it so mind-blowing that anyone could ever entertain the idea that we have chosen this path, that we have chosen to watch our children suffer from the collateral damage of our illness.  The negative attention alone would be the only deterrent needed to make that theory impossible.

I was lucky enough to have a truly amazing role model when it comes to being a mother...my own.  My mom gave me many gifts but I think the most significant is this: when she looked at me, what I saw reflected in her eyes was always beauty and love, no matter what the situation.  Not just physically, but beautiful in every way.  I knew that no matter what I did, that would never change.  I felt loved, acknowledged, valued and most importantly, seen, in such an unconditional way that I experienced that feeling in every cell of my body - and I still do.  My mother has been gone physically from this earth for over twelve years and I still feel her unconditional love on such a deep, cellular level that my entire body tingles just thinking about it.  What greater, more valuable gift can we ever hope to give our children?  A gift that never dies, a gift that will stay with our children long after we are gone.  That is love in it's very purest form.

Even on the days that I couldn't get out of bed, I could still give this gift of love to my children.  I may not have been able to do all the things for them that I usually did, the things that I once believed to be the very definition of being a "good" mom, but no matter how sick I was, I could look each one of them in the eye, give them my full attention, see their beautiful essence and reflect that back to them to carry with them throughout their day.  I could still give them the gift of being loved so unconditionally that they knew with every fiber of their being that there was no bad grade, no disappointment or failed expectation, no mistake or failure, big or small, that could ever change that.  The thing that I realized recently is that I can do that better now than I could before my illness.

I remember days that I truly thought I was dying.  In those dark moments, the thought of death almost seemed like it would be a welcome relief from the pain I was in.  If not for my three kids, I may have just given up - but I knew I had to keep fighting for their sake.  In some of my darkest moments, I allowed my mind to wander, wondering if, in the event that the worst should happen, would my children remember how much I loved them?  Would they know it deep in their souls, just as I know how much my mom loved me?

After everything that has happened, I will never have to worry about that again.  I know that they know. I know they know that they they are my very first thought when I wake up in the morning and my very last thought as I drift off to sleep at night.  I know they know that if I'm ever not able to attend one of their soccer games, school events, or anything else that is important to them that it is not by choice.  I know they know that if given the choice, I always, always choose them.  I know they know that I love them more than anything or anyone on the planet and that there is nothing in this life that I would not do for them.  And I know they know that I have no other expectation or wish for them except to be who they are, find their passion, and to be happy.  For me, this knowledge is priceless and fills me with a peace I've never known.

Over the course of the last few years, both prior to and throughout the onset of the acute phase of my illness, I went through some situations in my personal life resulting in very intense emotional trauma, some of the worst pain, heartbreak and feelings of betrayal I have ever experienced.  As a result, I became very angry and resentful and in my mind it was very justified.  And maybe it was. But I now know that responding to anything, no matter how hurtful it may be, with more negativity can only lead to more pain, which it did. The fact that the degree of physical illness and emotional trauma intersected and manifested in the way it did was not a coincidence, it was an inevitability.

 I can't help but wonder...perhaps if I knew then what I know now, things may have turned out differently.  But in the next moment I realize...I wouldn't change a thing.

A Good Day Is Worth Celebrating

"The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise.  

It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us."

                                                      - Ashley Montagu

If my journey with Chronic Lyme Disease has taught me anything, it's to celebrate a day of feeling good because although I hope with all my heart and soul that it's the start of a new trend, I know that there are no guarantees.  Today is one of those days.  Eckley, my sweet pup, and I went on a long hike and I took these pictures to document this day because I want to remember that on March 18, 2016 I felt like a normal person for the first time in over a year.  I will never again take these moments for granted and I'm not going to spend it worrying about tomorrow.  Today, life is beautiful and I'm going to squeeze every ounce of pleasure of it as possible!

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely 

try to help another without helping himself...Serve and thou shall be served."

                                                              - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"No one can ask another to be healed.  But he can let himself be healed, and thus offer the other what he has received.  Who can bestow upon another what he does not have?  

And who can share what he denies himself?"

                                                                         - A Course in Miracles 

But there is a part of me that feels guilty because I know there are so many people out there who are plagued with pain, debilitating exhaustion and a litany of other symptoms that make each day almost more than they can bear.  They are struggling to see even a glimmer of hope that they will ever experience feeling good, or even normal, again.  Most are isolated and alone as the controversial nature of this disease tends to drive friends and even family members away.  I know many of these amazingly brave and resilient humans personally and it literally breaks my heart because I know that feeling all too well.  

My message to all of my fellow Lyme warriors out there is this: I will never forget about you, I will never stop fighting and educating and screaming at the top of my lungs for you to get the help and acknowledgement that you so desperately need and deserve.  I'm in this to the end, no matter what happens.  And if I do continue on this path of wellness, I am living proof that there is hope for you too!

It's hard to say exactly what has made the difference for me because I've tried so many different treatments and supplements but most recently I did participate in an eight-course ozone protocol in combination with several professional colonic treatments.  I have also added bone broth to my diet on a daily basis and started taking an anti-fungal supplement consisting of herbs from the Amazon.  I can't say if it was one or all of these things together that have made the difference but I am just overwhelmed with gratitude to be feeling this much better, even if it's just for today.  I'll take it!

Carry on, Lyme warriors...we got this!  Your best moments are ahead of you...believe it and it shall be. 

"...the spirit reveals itself to everyone with the same intensity and consistency, but only warriors are consistently attuned to such revelations." 

                                                                  - don Juan Matus