"When you are connected to the power of intention, you'll actually think and feel that any disease pattern has never been present, and that you're already healed."
- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
I have set the intention to live my life fearlessly with no apologies for who I am. So I am throwing caution to the wind and writing this post today, putting myself in a position of vulnerability which makes me a little uncomfortable - even scares me a bit. I want to say up front that these are only my thoughts and mine alone - my intention is not to convince or to offend, it is solely to speak my truth so that others may possibly benefit. And if not, that's fine too. Normally I don't write about extremely personal things so this is new to me. I hope that you will accept this without judgement or condemnation.
During my illness several months ago, it became clear to me that I was on my own. All external means of assistance had failed and I literally felt that I was dying a slow, painful death. One day last May, I woke up, dragged myself out of bed and somehow found the strength to walk the few short blocks to downtown San Anselmo. I have no idea what compelled me to do this - it was like I was on automatic pilot. I found myself in a bookstore and spent quite a bit of time looking around, not sure what I was searching for but somehow knew that I'd just know when I found it.
A book caught my eye. It was called "E-Squared" by Pam Grout. It looked interesting to me so I bought it and walked back home in a dream-like state. I hadn't been out of bed in days so the fact that I had made this journey was a bit surreal. Back home, I devoured the book and finished it just a couple of hours. Now this was also strange, since my vision was so blurry and my head so scrambled that I hadn't been able to read in weeks.
The book talks about the power of intention and how powerful it can be, even creating miracles. I needed a miracle. Pam doesn't just write about how to create miracles in your life, she lays out a series of hands-on experiments to prove that it really works. The first experiment focuses on the premise that there is an invisible energy source or 'field of infinite possibilities', which she refers to as the FP. Pam insisted that she had proof in the form of many, many examples and stories from her own life and the lives of thousands of others that this really works. I figured I had nothing to lose so I gave it a shot. I asked the FP to please, please help me get well. I followed Pam's instructions exactly. I don't know if I really believed it - but I wanted to because frankly, I was desperate.
Exactly one week later the Rife machine, the thing that I believe saved my life, showed up out of the blue. My dad and my Aunt Julie had sent it to me because they had become desperate too - desperate to do something to help me get better. I had no idea he was doing this. My dad called and told me that a package would be arriving at our town's post office and that I needed to pick it up immediately and follow the instructions on how to use the machine. I remember feeling no sense of urgency whatsoever. You see, going to the post office required too much energy and I was having trouble even comprehending what he was telling me. What in the heck is a Rife machine?
My dad was persistent and kept calling and emailing me to go pick it up. I finally did, just to appease him quite honestly. I had little hope that this thing called a Rife machine was going to be of any use to me. It was a Friday when I got the machine and once again, I figured I had nothing to lose so I gave it a shot. How I even figured out how to use the damn thing in the state I was in is a miracle in itself - it's somewhat confusing at first.
But somehow I managed and began twenty-four hour treatments for the next three days. Looking at me hooked up to this contraption, my family thought I was nuts. Add to that the fact that I actually got worse at first, which I was prepared for based upon the information provided with the machine regarding the dreaded "Herx" reaction when killing off large quantities of pathogens and toxins, but I think my husband and children must have found this discouraging. I don't think I was awake for more than 10 minutes that entire weekend. I remember my dad texting me, wanting to know if it was working and replying, "It must be because I feel a thousand times worse!!".
But I kept at it and low and behold, a miracle did occur! Tuesday morning I woke up bright and early feeling like a million bucks - actually it was probably more like the normal state of a human being but in comparison to how I was just a day earlier, I felt like I could run a marathon. My head had cleared and I could actually speak in coherent, complete sentences. I remember chatting with my husband that morning and him looking at me like I was a martian from outer space - and my kids had the same reaction.
As I've written about before, I continued to improve each day and I am currently headed toward complete recovery, having never looked back. I tell this story because this was a monumental, life-changing moment that has literally changed the direction of my life.
First of all, I felt gratitude that enveloped my entire being - gratitude like I had never before experienced - toward my dad, my aunt and the Universe that had provided for me this miracle. My whole perspective on my life changed in terms of what my priorities are and how much I appreciate waking up each day feeling good. This was something I had previously taken for granted but never, ever again will that happen. Each morning I wake up just so grateful for my health and to be able to live my life again - be a mom, take a walk, make dinner for my family, even attend a parent-teacher conference, which I missed last year. I say thank you, thank you, thank you Universe for my life!
But even more importantly, I came out of that situation with a feeling deep inside of my very being that all I needed to do was to turn inward, that relying on external things to get well were actually what got me sick in the first place. For the first time in my life, I listened to myself and not the thoughts, opinions and beliefs of other people. OPT, I call them. Other People's Thoughts.
I knew with no uncertainty whatsoever that all I ever needed to live a happy, healthy, joy-filled, abundant life was inside of me. It was there the whole time, it's been there my whole life. I just couldn't hear what my higher self was trying to tell me because it was being drowned out by the voices of other people, well-meaning I'm sure, but they were not mine and therefore did not work for me.
I felt free for the first time in my life to just be me and trust myself. I also had the feeling that I didn't really have to do anything to create this reality, I just had clear my head of all of the OPT and the rest would unfold as it was meant to unfold. I stopped stressing and worrying about everything because I knew that everything was happening as it was meant to happen and that, as Pam Grout says, "The Universe has my back!". How earth-shattering to realize that life doesn't have to be so hard - we, as humans, make it hard but it doesn't have to be that way!!
When I started to tell people my story, many encouraged me to write about it to encourage others. I soon realized that I love to write. I started my blog and have not stopped writing since. Even if no one chooses to read it, just the very act of writing fills me with sheer joy. I never knew this about myself previously and I certainly didn't have the self-confidence to try it. I felt I was being guided by a force I couldn't quite explain and I was okay with the ambiguity of that. I just went with it.
Ironically, I heard about the death of Dr. Wayne Dyer from a post on Pam Grout's blog and that led me to learn about his teachings, which have been another guiding force in my quest to live life to it's fullest, the way it was meant to be lived. Dr. Dyer reinforced all of the things I was feeling and put into words so eloquently many of the thoughts and feelings I had had since childhood but could never articulate or feel safe enough to express.
For example, the idea that spirituality is possible without the involvement of organized religion. Since I was a little girl, I felt nothing but disdain for organized religion of any kind. I was raised Catholic and even went to a Catholic school for a bit, but I dreaded going to church. I disliked everything about it - the strict rules, the structure, confession, smell, the automated way people recited prayers - all of it was almost offensive to me. I know there are some people who might be offended by what I am saying, but I am just telling my truth and I'm not going to be afraid to do that anymore for fear of judgement by other people. I was exposed to other religions as well and my entire being just rejected anything to do with religion. I do not in any way sit in judgement of anyone who feels differently - let me just make that clear. I wholeheartedly support everyone listening to their own voice inside them. That being said, what I do have a problem with is people who try to force feed their beliefs and thoughts to others and expect them to comply just because it feels right to them. This is not acceptable under any circumstances, in my opinion.
Deep down, I knew I had a relationship with God, or a higher power of some kind, that did not require any external intervention. My entire life, I have always talked to the Universal Source and felt that we had a personal, private relationship that was all my own and I didn't feel a need to share it with anyone. I was undeterred by people telling me that it's not possible to be spiritual without organized religion, a church, another person or organization telling you what to do and say and how to behave in order to be worthy. I did not believe that we were all sinners and that we needed to "earn" God's love and acceptance. I never believed it, not for one second. I also felt strongly that organized religion was just someone else's interpretation of spirituality, not my own.
When I started reading Dr. Dyer's books I soon found out that he felt exactly the same way! I felt as if he was speaking directly to me. Finally, I wasn't alone, someone else had the same intuitive beliefs that I did and that was an amazing feeling. This is when it clicked for me - I realized that I had been suppressing the real me, my true self, for my entire life. I also realized that in order to be truly happy, your true self must be expressed.
As Dr. Dyer repeated over and over again in his books and his lectures, 'Don't die with your music still in you'. Dr. Dyer, I will not die with my music still in me! I will play my music with wild abandon!
So I will make no more apologies and I will live my life as I see fit and not as other people think I should. I will listen to my inner voice, my highest self, who, by definition, is never wrong and does not make mistakes. I will speak my mind fearlessly and without regret - and I will teach my children to do the same. I now realize that this is the greatest gift I could ever give them.
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